Where Self-Esteem Issues Come From

From Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody, Andrea Miller & J. Keith Miller

Low Self-Esteem

Children learn to self-esteem first from their major caregivers. Dysfunctional caregivers give their children, verbally or non-verbally, the message that the children are “less-than” people. These “less-than” messages become part of the child’s own opinion of themselves. As adults, its is almost impossible for those raised with these messages to be able to generate the feeling that they have value.

Arrogance & Grandiosity

The behavior arises out of two distinct situations.

1. A dysfunctional family system teaches its children to find fault with others. The children learn to regard others as inferior to themselves. These children may be criticized and shamed by the caregivers, but they can usually rise above the resulting sense of being ‘less-than’ by judging and criticizing others.
2. Some dysfunctional family systems actually teach their children that they are superior to other people, giving them a false sense of power. These children receive a false sense of superiority over others in terms of value or worth, which sabotages relationships as much as the message of being less than others does.

Other-Esteem

Other-esteem is based on external things such as performance, appearance, wealth, friends, cars, jobs, children’s performance, spouse’s power or importance, degrees, etc… Other-esteem is based either on one’s own “human doing” or on the opinions and behavior of other people. The source of other-esteem is outside the self and thus vulnerable to changes beyond one’s control. One can lose this exterior source of esteem at any time, so other-esteem is fragile and undependable.